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Friday, August 29, 2008

Fame beckons

It has been a long summer. Not only has the weather made it seem like August will never end but the TV has been dreadful as well. And even if one has been able to avoid the interminable and all-pervading Big Brother on the box (and I haven't as explained in a previous post), it has been all over the papers as well.

Still we can all be cheered at the fact that Big Brother ends a week today and by the fact that if we were to seek our own 15 minutes of fame then the means now exist to learn the ropes. Today's Guardian reveals that a new educational establishment has recently opened its doors. - the New York Reality TV School:

Have you ever decided unscripted programming is the career path for you, but felt frustrated that all the great spots were going to other pathologically unself-aware social inadequates? Have you always known that fame is a basic human right, but felt you lacked the appropriate qualifications to "be yourself" on camera, while a combination of conflict-generating tasks/hopelessly unqualified judges/weigh-ins/boot camps/polygraphs/makeover glitches/gimlet-eyed bachelorettes/grooming experts/secret millionaires/potential employers/kangaroo testicles attempted to derail your progress toward the most Pyrrhic of victories? Are you able to scream: "I've got nothing to be ashamed of! I will not be judged by anyone!" the morning after wetting yourself on national television in a drunken, borderline-physical row, during which you made several anti-Semitic slurs while dressed as a circus clown? Do you think any of this utter, utter crap constitutes having "gone on an amazing journey"?

Then the New York Reality TV School is the higher education facility for you.
After a week in which we've seen the first case of an X-Factor victimhood backstory being debunked, there has never been a more important time to capitalise on the dysfunctional behavioural traits and abuse survival stories that set you apart.

"The mission of the New York Reality TV School is to train and develop non-actors," explains its prospectus. "We train students to be exciting, confident members of reality TV casts . . . Students will work rigorously through coaching sessions and on-camera exercises in order to readily showcase the dynamic aspects of their personalities and to be able to shine, showcase, and supersede the expectations of cast-mates, producers and audience ..."

Reminder: you live on this planet - and there are no escape pods. At present, the NYRTS curriculum can be taken as a five-week workshop, or tasted on a single night, which apparently begins with the class being instructed to dance unselfconsciously on film, while someone wanders around insulting them.

It does not bear thinking about. Prospective pupils sign up here but don't count on there being another series of Big Brother.
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