Monday, May 29, 2006
The fastest pushbike in the west
Quoting Richard Littlejohn is not going to become a habit, but this is definitely worth repeating:
You could hear his tyres pound,
As they raced across the ground,
And the clatter of the wheels,
As they spun round and round,
And he pedalled into Westminster,
His helmet on his head,
His name was Davey,
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the West.
Now Davey had a chauffeur,
A fella known as Bill,
He followed Davey in the car,
From his home in Notting Hill.
They said Davey was a hypocrite,
For cycling into work,
With his bags and clothes in a Lexus,
The two-faced little berk.
They called him Davey,
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the West.
He said he'd save the planet,
And if you want the proof,
Davey jetted off to Greenland,
And put a windmill on his roof.
He said I'll bring you happiness,
'Cos happiness is best,
We said Davey we'll be happy,
If you'll just tax us less.
And that flustered young Davey, (Day-vey),
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the West.
Now Davey had a rival,
An evil-looking lad,
Called Gordon Brown from Kirkcaldy Town,
And he drove the voters mad.
He tempted them with his benefits,
And his fancy jobs for life,
In his desperate run at Number 10,
He even took a wife.
And though they swooned at the Cameroons,
Gordon said if you vote for me,
I'll index-link your pensions,
And give you eyesight tests for free.
He thought they'd fall for his new capped teeth,
And his sultry Scottish charm,
But what put them off was he bit his nails,
Halfway down his arm.
Not like young Davey, (Day-vey).
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the West.
But Gordon had a rival, too,
His name was Tony Blair,
It tormented him from dawn to dusk,
That Tony was still there.
He yelled: "If you don't get out now,
Then I'll be in my grave,
And sitting here in Downing Street,
Will be bloody Call Me Dave."
And that tickled old Tony, (To-ney)
And he had the biggest mortgage in the West.
Now Tony had a deputy,
He wasn't any good.
But he had a flat in Admiralty Arch,
And a house in Dorneywood.
He thought he was a ladies' man,
They didn't come much smarter,
But behind his back the whole world laughed,
At the size of his chipolata.
They called him Two Jags, (Two-Jags)
And he drove the fastest limo in the West.
Young Davey had an A-list,T
o get the Tories back.
He'd only choose from candidates,
Who were female, gay or black.
No more old blokes in pin-striped suits,
Called Norman, Geoff or Maurice,
Just metrosexuals who ride bikes,
And Etonians like Boris.
You all know Boris, (Bor-is)
And he pulled the fastest women in the West.
Dave was only thirty-nine,
He didn't think he'd win.
He could only hope that Tone and Gord,
Would do each other in.
Dave couldn't know that Mr Plod,
Would feel old Tony's collar,
For flogging seats in the House of Lords,
For a suitcase full of dollars.
And so, at last, came Gordon's turn,
But as he stepped up to the mike,
He turned to see a man in green,
Approaching on a bike.
His head was down, his legs a blur,
Veins bulging in his neck.
Before Gordon knew what hit him,
He was lying on the deck.
As Gordon lay there dying,
The cyclist gave a wave,
Racing home to prepare for government,
Pedalled Call Me Dave.
His name was Davey, (Day-vey)
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the West.
You could hear his tyres pound,
As they raced across the ground,
And the clatter of the wheels,
As they spun round and round,
And he pedalled into Westminster,
His helmet on his head,
His name was Davey,
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the West.
Now Davey had a chauffeur,
A fella known as Bill,
He followed Davey in the car,
From his home in Notting Hill.
They said Davey was a hypocrite,
For cycling into work,
With his bags and clothes in a Lexus,
The two-faced little berk.
They called him Davey,
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the West.
He said he'd save the planet,
And if you want the proof,
Davey jetted off to Greenland,
And put a windmill on his roof.
He said I'll bring you happiness,
'Cos happiness is best,
We said Davey we'll be happy,
If you'll just tax us less.
And that flustered young Davey, (Day-vey),
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the West.
Now Davey had a rival,
An evil-looking lad,
Called Gordon Brown from Kirkcaldy Town,
And he drove the voters mad.
He tempted them with his benefits,
And his fancy jobs for life,
In his desperate run at Number 10,
He even took a wife.
And though they swooned at the Cameroons,
Gordon said if you vote for me,
I'll index-link your pensions,
And give you eyesight tests for free.
He thought they'd fall for his new capped teeth,
And his sultry Scottish charm,
But what put them off was he bit his nails,
Halfway down his arm.
Not like young Davey, (Day-vey).
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the West.
But Gordon had a rival, too,
His name was Tony Blair,
It tormented him from dawn to dusk,
That Tony was still there.
He yelled: "If you don't get out now,
Then I'll be in my grave,
And sitting here in Downing Street,
Will be bloody Call Me Dave."
And that tickled old Tony, (To-ney)
And he had the biggest mortgage in the West.
Now Tony had a deputy,
He wasn't any good.
But he had a flat in Admiralty Arch,
And a house in Dorneywood.
He thought he was a ladies' man,
They didn't come much smarter,
But behind his back the whole world laughed,
At the size of his chipolata.
They called him Two Jags, (Two-Jags)
And he drove the fastest limo in the West.
Young Davey had an A-list,T
o get the Tories back.
He'd only choose from candidates,
Who were female, gay or black.
No more old blokes in pin-striped suits,
Called Norman, Geoff or Maurice,
Just metrosexuals who ride bikes,
And Etonians like Boris.
You all know Boris, (Bor-is)
And he pulled the fastest women in the West.
Dave was only thirty-nine,
He didn't think he'd win.
He could only hope that Tone and Gord,
Would do each other in.
Dave couldn't know that Mr Plod,
Would feel old Tony's collar,
For flogging seats in the House of Lords,
For a suitcase full of dollars.
And so, at last, came Gordon's turn,
But as he stepped up to the mike,
He turned to see a man in green,
Approaching on a bike.
His head was down, his legs a blur,
Veins bulging in his neck.
Before Gordon knew what hit him,
He was lying on the deck.
As Gordon lay there dying,
The cyclist gave a wave,
Racing home to prepare for government,
Pedalled Call Me Dave.
His name was Davey, (Day-vey)
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the West.
