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Saturday, April 01, 2006

April Fool

The eery thing about the Guardian's April Fool prank today is how plausible the whole scenario is. There is such a tight fit between the vacuity of Coldplay's music and the policy-lite agenda of Cameron's Conservatives that for a moment I thought they had goofed by pretending that the alliance between Chris Martin and the Tory leader was invented.

The joy of the article however lies in some classic parody on the lifestyle and beliefs of the two men:

"Coldplay's music shines with the kind of optimistic vision I want to bring to Britain as a whole," Mr Cameron said yesterday, at an impromptu press conference outside his local organic microbrewery. "And a forward-thinking party can't ignore the 'information superhighway'. So to anyone who cares about the future of this country, I say, look, let's not get bogged down in the old ideologies. Just click on to the world wide web, and listen to what Chris has to say."

In the new lyric, on which the two men collaborated, Martin outlines some of his reasons for joining the Tories: Mr Cameron's habit of travelling by bicycle, and the way he dresses like members of Coldplay's fanbase, in casual clothes and trainers sourced, where possible, from Fairtrade outlets.

"But it was the wind generator on his roof that clinched it," Martin said. "I realised that whatever Labour said about Kyoto, you were never going to see a windmill on the roof of No 10. Dave's given me an absolute assurance that he's committed to saving the planet."

There is also a startling insight into the Notting Hill set that you know is exaggerated but you just want to be true:

Martin once described Tony Blair as "brilliant," but yesterday the singer's trademark cheeriness faded when asked about the prime minister's performance in office. "I gave him one last chance," he said. "I invited him round to explain himself to me and a group of like-minded friends - about how he was going to make poverty history and all that.

"But he never turned up. Madonna walked out, and Stella [McCartney] was totally gutted." In the new song, Martin rails at how recent events have "smashed my illusions about Tony Blair/His shoes, his suits, his terrible hair." In a subtle nod to Mr Cameron's reputation for voguish footwear he sings: "It was the converse trainers that did it for me/I got them in orange, wait till you see"

Mr Cameron hopes more British bands will follow where Coldplay has led the way, creating a Tory version of the socialist bands-for-Labour movement organised by Billy Bragg in the early 1990s.

"I'm calling it Blue Wedge," he said. "Blue is back. I want all the top bands out there, from the Attic Monkeys to the Kaiser Chefs, to know they're welcome. There's absolutely nothing about my policies which anyone could object to."

Personally, I am looking forward to the Ricky Gervais pro-Tory TV series, provisionally entitled The Central Office. As long as they don't get Hugh Grant to play David Cameron.
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