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Friday, January 02, 2004

More Resolutions

The Guardian ran a mildly funny filler piece yesterday that I thought was worth quoting in part. Under the heading "Kill a rat And 100 other things to do this year" they listed a host of cliches and other thoughts to consider for the year ahead.

Number six is dedicated to Lembit Opik MP - "Keep your head down. In August a large comet will brush northern France, raining debris on the Earth before exploding over the Aegean. At least that's what Nostradamus is predicting for 2004. Of course his lunatic quatrains have always been open to a certain amount of interpretation, but this is the central thesis of Comet of Nostradamus: August 2004: Impact!, a book which, it is widely predicted, will disappear off the face of the earth on September 1." I haven't asked Lembit his view of Nostradamus yet but as I am going to Scotland with him next week I will take the opportunity to broach the subject.
Number 22 I have been doing for some time anyway - "Wake up every morning and say to yourself, "Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California." This will serve to remind you that you are living in a surreal dream world where your actions have no consequences." I also did it between 1980 and 1988 with Ronald Reagan. The problem is that in retrospect and in the context of Arnie and Dubya, Reagan assumes a gravitas I could never attribute to him at the time.

My favourites were number 66 - "Instead of complaining, listen to what spammers are trying to tell you: you need cheaper insurance, prescription drugs, lower heating bills and a bigger penis." - number 67 - "Accept that giving 16-year-olds the vote will probably not stop them setting fire to the swings." (yes I know it is insulting to 16 year olds and against party policy, I am being flippant, honest) and number 68 - "Do the one thing that separates us from the animals: write thank-you notes."

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